Sexpectations.

Watching so many movies and reading books with sexy sex scenes sometimes drives me nuts. Not necessarily the sex its self, but kind of. I think it gives unrealistic expectations. Obviously. First of all, sex up the wall scenes, like Road House! Now, that's one of the best ever...ugh...don't get me started on 80's Swayze...hot. But, in real life, it rarely goes down like that. Starting with the lift, if your getting ready to hump, make sure he can lift your big ass in the first place. Secondly, chances are good, it's not "gettin' in" so quick. By the time you are done fumbling, his strength in holding you up will likely be gone. You also watch them roll right over and go to sleep. No, this is not happening. No running, hopping, to the bathroom with crossed legs? Don't tell me you roll right over and sleep peacefully with that mess...I know Girth throws me right out of bed, screaming, "GET!". Plus, there are never any queefing vaginas. Never, and that's some bullshit. No ones dogs are staring at them, no ones cats are cuddling up to their heads on the pillows. These are things that normally happen. Ever seen Showgirls? That's one of my favorite movies, but the pool sex scene? Not so much. If she flailed around that hard on my salami, I would have been convinced she was seizing. Once upon a time, in my younger days,  I got frisky and sat on the back of the couch for some sexy time...crafty shit like that works in movies, right?...Well, I can tell you that in real life, the couch will tip over and you will almost break your neck in half. All night long sexcapades? Stop it. Your vagina would just shut the doors and close up shop. How come nobody gets any leg cramps? Girls that can have explosive orgasms in any position they are in, fuck you. Married couples doing a sixty-nine? Not without the reason being that someone lost a bet. Blow-jobs and box munching become novelties or acts of persuasion and bribery methods. In the first 6 months of dating, you were ripping at his zipper with your teeth, after marriage, you're worried about chipping a tooth. Just once in a hot and heavy movie scene, could there be a guy who slips and bumps the wrong hole? That would be realistic enough for me.

 This about covers it...