This & That.

Well...not a lot of new developments, anywhere in life really. So, I guess I have a just smidge of a hodgepodge of shit.

Last week at my 12 week appointment, they think my due date may be off my 7 days. Which puts this kid as becoming a member of society on my birthday. Because that's exactly what I wanted for my birthday- to have my vagina ripped in half.

Riot turned 4 years old. I don't have a toddler anymore- I have a kid. Today he showed me a new four year old activity...he tucked his junk between his legs and said, "Look , Mommy- my doodle all gone!" I expected this- but at 14 not 4. There is no way he has seen this or heard it anywhere- so I now know that these are the things boys are naturally equipped to do from birth.

I finally got a pumpkin white hot chocolate. It was too hot to drink so I planned on getting all up in it at home. After driving all the way home I dropped it getting out of the car. It spilled and was all gone. I cried real horse tears while my offspring comforted me. He is learning at a very young age how terrifying pregnant women can be.

Girth almost had sex with me last night. He was even having some beers to do it. Then I farted too many times. He was really upset and dragged me across the couch, held my head down and force fed me my own fart smell. I did not like it, not at all.

Girth also bought me pregnancy Pilate's. I have also begun the squat challenge again. This baby can have my uterus- but it cannot have my ass. The Pilate's will also keep me nice and limber for next years pyramids and such.

I think some of you might judge me because I continue to bartend twice a week at a club that allows smoking. Just keep in mind that I am not judging you when you call yourself a stay at home mom as opposed to a welfare recipient. Bartending there might not be ideal while I am pregnant- but neither is syphoning off the system. Before you just tell me to find a different part-time job, remember I already also babysit full time as well as attend school full time. And you and your opinion are welcome to lick my nuts at any time.


So, yeah. That's where I'm at lately.






 

 

Maybe it's a mean day.

Obviously pregnancy is not all glory. Quitting smoking, drinking, and caffeine all in one day has taken its toll. I want mimosas for breakfast and Bloody Mary's for dinner. I want to empty a pot of coffee before 8 in the morning. I want to ride the meat train to pound town around the clock.
Just kidding, I haven't stopped doing that yet. No plans to either.
Pictures of bar shenanigans make me feel left out. I want to be a pyramid topper, fall on my face and do too many shots. I want to eat unhealthy food and own my body.
Naturally these feelings come and go, and my hormones will level out. Spare me the pregnancy is wonderful, embrace it spiels. I already know all of that. I am just not going to pretend to be the magazine mom who feels nothing but excitement. I feel EVERYTHING right now. I feel lonely and crowded, happy and weary, excited and exhausted, beautiful and hideous. It's all there- it just depends on the day. Becoming a family of four is a thought I still have not fully comprehended. I'm hoping for a girl- but a boy would not disappoint in any way. Keep the fucking "a healthy baby is all that matters" to yourself as well. That goes without saying, twats. No one is willing to sacrifice the health if their offspring for their choice in anatomy.
Sometimes I want to invite company over so I can be a bitch to them. I don't see why Girth has to bear the brunt of it when I have so many friends and so much twattyness to go around.
I want all of my food covered in gravy. Or lime.
Baby names. When the time comes that I actually announce it- remember that I am not looking for permission granted, or acceptance. Try not to make yourself look like a dick- because in the end, that's all you will have done. Can't please everyone, and I am not about to start by using my offspring as a people pleasing tool.
I think I'm done today.

 

 

 

Blahblahblah.

Charlie Hunman. Charlie frigging Hunman. This is who will play Christian Grey. While I can surely see myself banging him, I cannot see myself banging him as Christian Grey.
Eh, who am I kidding...
I am pregnant with raging hormones, sex obsessed and relentless. I'd get hot right now if Conan O'Brien was cast in that role.

My tits are getting ridiculous already. They are rock hard, weigh about 72 pounds apiece and feel fresh out of the oven warm. Last night at work one of my overworked bra straps gave out on me. The fucking plastic piece sprung off and flung off with enough speed to almost slice me in half. Had to MacGyver it up and lasso the loose strap over the back of my neck and around my other strap.
Super comfy.

In one week, at the end of the month while rent is due- two laptops needed repairing, my cat needed a vet visit, the washer broke, mailbox was beaten off its post by a scumbag, I am laid off babysitting for a few weeks, and a couple "surprise bills" popped up. Fuck you August.

Quitting smoking, drinking, and caffeine/coffee all in one day has made me volatile. My patience has evaporated. I have filled those three voids with sex. Girth will need words of encouragement, and lots of support in the oncoming months. I'm about to put him through the fucking wringer.