Monday, December 31, 2012

Twothousandandthirteen.

Riot got his first hair-do. A mullet, of course.



 
 
He also began his hockey career this year.
 
 
Girth and I made through one more year as best friends.
 

 Past, present, and pyramids. Almost positive that anyone who has come over, I have forced into making a drunken pyramid. They are my favorite. Thinking about 2012 wrapping up, I thought of how those pyramids were some of the funnest times. So, I have compiled a pyramid collection. New friends, old friends, and family. They all give a hard time over pyramid building, but I know they secretly love it. Their faces are undeniable. So, not just this past year, but every last passing year, I am thankful for knowing the best people in all the land.


They give me birthday pyramids and just because pyramids when no one is around, because they love me.

They do enjoy this, I knew it.

 

Sometimes we are triumphant.

 

It did not end well with Girth hopping up top.


Love. Love. Love.
 
As for New years resolutions, I'm probably not going to bother to lie about any. I might lose weight, I might not, maybe I will clean-up my trash mouth, maybe I won't. Who knows. My entire life's resolution is to just be happy, and that isn't something I need to make a goal of every year.
The people I surround myself make it effortless.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The day after X-mass has nothing to do with X-mass.

I swear on the biggest wiener in the world, the devil himself is using my vagina to escape the depths of hell. I have not had a period in close to four months, and all of a sudden I gained six pounds in two days, and look as though I am in the second trimester of pregnancy. It is horrendous. I am bleeding like a stuffed pig and I swear to all the things holy, from my knees to my tits, it feels like someone beat me with a mother truckin' bat. Not only that, but I have a sweet fever blister on my lip from the sudden hormonal surge. Fat chance of explaining that off though, I look like a walking advertisement for a herpes commercial. Pretty sure I am knocking on deaths door. I am flying through cooter corks like they are candy and my ovaries are relentless. I want nothing more than to rip my uterus out, punch it to death, stuff it, and hang it on the wall in triumph. There is also a kink in my neck that makes me feel as though I need to crack it repeatedly, but hurts, but I keep doing it anyways. Not exactly the kind of "hurts so good" that I like, but whatever. Such a masochist. Also, burnt my hand on my straightener today. Batting a thousand. The fact that someone bought Girth a bottle of liquor for X-mass brightens my horizon though. As well as the fact that Christmas Day was enjoyable. The day after though, today, is fucking ridiculous. If my vagina does not stop spurting blood like a god damn horror movie, I really don't know what I will do. I am so angry about my vagina that I actually took our tree down today. That never happens until at least New Years. Never have I wished so hard for a penis of my own in my entire life. Right now I wouldn't even care if I had a small wiener instead of a big salami. I just don't want to be a messy menstruater anymore.
 
 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Top 5.

I decided to do Top 5 grossest moments of people that I know. Naturally, I am surrounded by a bunch of sick-os. So, here are the stories that people gave me. Number 5 being a hogepodge of things from a few people, then the countdown to the number one best moment that people are glad never happened to them.


5. Anytime backdoor action is involved, their is potential for the terrifying moment of the withdrawal. Poop dick is no joke. Who cleans it? Who's fault is it?
Get all drunk and think your a sexy wild cat crawling across the bed, only to fall off onto your face and ruin the moment by getting all bloodied up.

Locked out of your dorm room naked while drunk, thinking that making a dash to your car because you might have a change of clothes in there...yeah, wicked good thinking.


 4. A couple of guys go for a night on the town, they find a couple of ladies. Back at the room, they get it on. Hook-ups, one night stands, whatever. The problem actually doesn't arise until the morning. The four of them are trying to enjoy breakfast together and the one dude looks like he murdered someone the night before...hands all covered in dried blood. Of course a production was made because he though he was actually wounded. The revelation did not take long to travel around the table to the girl with embarrassment written across her face.

3. Once there was a girl, who in her twenties had yet to ever wear a tampon. I also happen to be a part of this story. So, at Fairhaven one day, she wants to use one to swim, so I tell her how to cram it in. Throughout the day she is bitching and I just figure she is being a pussy. But, when we go to leave, in he parking lot with our bathingsuits on, she starts freaking out and needs the tampon out of her. Won't walk, won't move, just starts tugging on it. Panic sets in, because she can't get it out. This is where she enlists me. Behind the car door in the parking lot, I am trying to spring a tampon from her muff. It really wouldn't budge. Finally, after thinking I was ripping off her vagina, it flew out. Applicator and all...I have idiot friends.

2. A lady I know, had some sex. She forgot to take out her tampon, for what I believe was an inebriated sex sesh. After the sex, she popped in another tampon. None the wiser, a couple days passed by before she started to smell "something". With a little research, she detected the source. The forgotten cork. Jammed pretty much up to her throat, it seem irretrievable. No fear though, her husband dug it out while she straddled his poor head. The smell, the view, the trauma. I would have beat her to death with it, instead he has kept her and loved her for 20+ years. He is a trooper.

 1. There's a dad, that a girl I know thinks is quite handsome. Well, said girl was strolling through her house with her hand down the front of her pants. Apparently she just likes to occasionally pet her muffin. Well, she had no idea that someone was at her front door, in the summertime, when he could clearly see into her house. She is not positive she was seen, though chances are extremely slim that he did not see her pass by...what she is positive of though, is that she had to write him out a certain something that he came there for...with her filthy little cooter diddling paw.












 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Tasty Tuesday.

 I decided a Hollywood,"To Do List" would be nice. So, included are the ones I find to be completely irresistible along with some of the dirty things I would allow them to do to me. I am of course speaking of filthy sexual activities, so naturally I would make them take me to dinner first.




Johnny Depp. I don't think there has been a moment in his life where he was not hot. He can probably screw for hours on end. I'd let him toss me around, shit, I'd let him throw me through god damn wall.



Charlie Hunnam. He is badass and hot as fuck. He's is pretty violent on his show, but that really doesn't deter me at all. I'd let him punch me right in the jibs...with his wiener...BOOM! 
 


 
 Joaquin Phoenix. Seriously. His eyes demand that your jeans hit the floor, and your ankles touch your ears within 2.4 seconds. I have no issues with that, morally or physically.
Count. Me. In.
 
 
 
Adam Levine. This man absolutely exudes sexiness. I am absolutely certain that I would let him exude that sexiness all over my face. Filthy? Perhaps. Call me what you will. Look at him though...it's insane. He probably smells like sex.

 
 
Gina Gershon. Was this one a shocker because she doesn't have a wiener? Then I guess that makes "shocker" kind of ironic, now doesn't it? Shockers and scissoring. She is the hottest woman on the planet, and I had a huge high school girl crush on her.
 
 Ryan Gosling. Are you kidding me? There isn't anything I would say no to. He can punch me in the face and put it in my butt. I don't care if he wants to chop me up and wear my skin. LOOK at him. Outstanding.
 
 
 
Now, to round it out to an even 10...there is:
 
7. Bruce Willis
 
8. Michael Pitt
 
9. Josh Holloway
 
10. Billy Zane
 
 
These last four, I would dry hump to oblivion.
 
 
 
So that's that. In reality though, I will not be heading to conquer these fantasies anytime soon. You see, I have Girth. And he has the key to my vagina.
 


 
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Monday, December 10, 2012

Hardy har-har...


My weekend was mostly uneventful. Worked like usual Friday night, went out for a couple drinks Saturday night. Sunday was spent having a movie day. We watched Safety not Guaranteed and Lawless. I can tell you right now, Tom Hardy is probably the lust of my life. I absolutely need him.


















I would like to tell you about all of the things I would do to him, but things would get indecent, real quick. If you have no reaction to this gorgeous man, then your vagina is obviously broken. I ruined a pair of pants just looking at these pictures. I bet he can sing to. He probably has the voice of an angel and the cock of a stallion. Well, there goes that. I'm getting way off course from recapping my weekend. Apparently fantasizing about him was the highlight of it. Girth better give me the wiener soon. Aside from all this filth, it was a nice, low-key weekend. On a more emotional aspect, we decided it was time to let go of the people with no time, too many lies and out of order priorities. It's like a weight off our shoulders and our hearts.
Keepin' it light, keepin' it lovey... 









God. I can't stop...

                                                    
 
 











 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I hate you.

Mysterious posting. You know, just the sad face or little bits of information. These statuses are meant to bait people into asking what is going on, otherwise known as attention grabbing. The best part is, telling them it is personal, none of their business, or no one can know. Although those mysterious posts are excellent detectors of snoopy twats.

Tits galore. Tit galore selfies. Many times these are accompanied by non-stop statues about asshole guys, no good ones left, guys are pigs, blah blah blah. Really? So you mean to tell me that your gigantic in your face titty shot bar pic, was meant to lure in the good guys? Stop it. You're retardation is going to land you right into the fuck em' n' chuck em' pile.
 
Constant posts. I don't mean from people at home either. I mean people that are suppose to be someplace having fun. When you are posting and updating every 15 fucking minutes about how awesome what your doing is, you are a god damn liar. People get consumed by awesomeness. Other people might be getting awesome, but you, you are standing there like a boring douchbag playing on Facebook.

Oh so in love. These people are obviously the only ones who have experienced being in love. That's why they have to tell everyone about it all day and all night long, never shutting the fuck up. So lucky, so blessed, so in love, always. Because of your intensity, everyone knows you are only trying to convince yourself. Ladies, if he is that perfect- you shouldn't have any time to even make a Facebook post. Every spare minute should be spent thanking him with sex, sandwiches and blow jobs for making your life so ridiculously magical. Chances are good, if you aren't fucking, sucking and serving, he isn't doing half the things you say anyways.

Things that also need to be managed:

Facebook should be able to sense when the relationship status button is overused and disable it.

Stop telling everyone where you are every single second. The only people who care are the ones looking to murder you and wear your skin.

If you are going to photoshop your selfies, please delete the "before" picture. You look like an idiot.

I wish duck lips could be banned. What's worse though, is the straight faced, dead eyed, come fuck me stare.

Passive-aggressive posting. Bitching about a friends post, without telling them, even though it directly follows their own post. Oh, but you were definitely talking about "someone else".

Posting a status about a bad day...get 50 comments from other people about how much worse their day was. Obviously pity- partying competitions should be an Olympic sport. OH, and the one person who chimes in to let you know to just be greatful for all you are blessed with....eattttttt shiiiiitttttttt.




If you feel offended, you have probably done one of these things...












 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Monday, Monday...

I just got out of the shower, bra only, naked from the waist down. Girth sitting at the computer, me standing right next to him, jabbering about bullshit. He turns his head (becoming eye level with my beautiful box) jumps a smidge, looks up at me with the most disgusted, horrified look on his face and says, "Ew. Your gum is hanging out."
I shamefully exit the room.


Out Saturday night for a friends b-day get together, some real classy broads were shaking their shit. And I do mean intensely...not really well, but you know, with a lot of puss behind it. Against the wall, on all fours, and while there is a fine line between crumping and having a seizure, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. Well, the wild cat in her 50's asked Girth for a dance...
Girth's response, "No, you're greasy.
Wild cat, "WHAT?"

Girth, "I said you're sleazy!"
Wild cat, "WHAT?"

Girth, "You dance nice."
And then he let her drag him out there. Upon doing so, he was immediately marked by her whore scent which must have moved through the air like invisible transmitters, because the rest of her pussy posse was shaking, gyrating, flopping and flailing around him within minutes. I thought I lost him. Thinking quickly though, instead of risking bodily harm, he backed right out the front door, into the dark night. Probably one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.


Walking home we stop at the 7-11 for some food. Pre-packaged pasta, cashews and a sammy later, we make one last stop for one last drink and some wings. Minutes later we arrived gloriously at our home, where we climbed into bed. And like the disgusting couple we are, we piled all the food in our bed and stuffed ourselves half to death. Good times.
People like this lady make it impossible NOT have a good time...