Almost didn't make my morning poop this morning. I mean, I had to go and all, was actually straight up prairie dogging it, but then something weird happened. Since my kid hovers to take a crap by squatting like a frog, I often have to clean footprints off the toilet. Well, in my dash to shit, I had to wipe it off, but bending over to do so, my poop actually climbed back into my body. I don't even know what happened. It's like it just said "fuck this!", and slithered back up into no mans land. Creepy shit. It was better than the alternative, I guess. Sometimes my morning poo's can be very taxing. My belly will crumble into some hellacious contraction and I will sweat for 15 minutes before some piece of rabbit shit drops out of my butt hole. Talk about hard work with no reward. How is it possible that our bodies allow us to go through so much agony, only to leave a trail of 4-5 little fudge nuggets? Especially after sweating so bad, and becoming so weak from the process. You really feel so vulnerable laying on the cold tile of your bathroom floor with your pants around your ankles. It's like I am being victimized by own treacherous asshole. So unfair. Pretty sure Riot can sense this vulnerability also, because he capitalizes on this time by doing absolutely ridiculous things. He will walk right to the bathroom, but keep just out of my reach, with a pen in his hand. I will hear him drag a stool to climb onto the counter and open snacks. It's like him and my b-hole are teaming against me in some strange conspiracy. Maybe if I laid off the coffee, my body would be more forgiving. As much as it drives me crazy, I can't. Just can't. Besides, the only time it really pisses me off is when I have just gotten out of the shower. There is nothing worse than dropping a keester kake out of a clean & shiny bonus hole. It completely negates all the work you have just done in the shower. Plus it feels gross, especially if you are jumping out and still wet. Ugh. Like having to poop while you are swimming. Deeeeee-scusting. Nothing worse than a dirty squirrel hole.
Really? Really??! How does one miss by this much?
Ok Jen those kinds of poops should not be happening that often. The sweaty laying on the tile ones..Don't get me wrong I have done it but not in at least 10 years. Besides the bathroom I am usually in isn't big enough to lay on. Anyhow you should let up on the coffee and see if that helps because you really should only have these once every couple of years or so. They are so terrible..Nancy.
ReplyDeleteIt has a lot to do with my ibs...my diet should be pretty restriced...and it definitely is not. So I pay for it with those cold tile shits at least once every couple weeks.
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