Decadence of a Decade.

I honestly think that if I was twenty-something in the 80's, I would have been a groupie. I would have had the biggest hair, the biggest tits and the tightest spandex around. Now, this is not to say I would have been a groupie for the purpose of jumping on every salami I swooned to, but in all honesty, there are certainly some that I would not have passed up. For that reason, I wouldn't have used those scary old Lee press-on nails...I can't even imagine how many zippers claimed those bitches in the 80's.
Groupies now a days just don't seem legit. For some reason, back then they seemed relevant, glamorous even.They had a mission and they got back stage and completed it. One thing I would have done though, is get autographs. Not just signatures on my teets, but the real deal. Could you imagine having a stockpile of autographs 20-30 years later? So awesome. And then I would more than likely have completely exploited each and every encounter with a filthy tell-all book. "Decadence of a Decade", would be full of Polaroids, meet & greets, and sexcapades. My conquests most certainly would have been, Rod Stewart, Sebastion Bach, Brett Michael's, Steve Perry, and that's all I know off the top of my head. Actually, the most terrible part of this whole ordeal would be missing out on Kid Rock. He would never make it to my to-do list, because by the time he spun onto the scene in 2000, I would have been hiding my sordid past, or in the beginning stages of my tell-all book. The boys with big hair and bigger bulges would have been behind me,and I would have retired my crimper and fuck me pumps. Me and all my illegitmate band babies would be ready to bank off mommys vagina and get fancy. We would forever be thankful to the maker of the backstage pass. And of course the biggest thanks would go to Aqua Net. The 80's could not have even existed without it.

Nothing could ever compare.

 

The day I died.

It just happened, out of the blue. I was completely blindsided, living in a world of darkness...scared and unprepared for what lied ahead of me. Panic stricken, pounding keys, calling for help, I was helpless & hopeless. These things don't happen to me...Sure, I might shit in my pants, pop change into a lottery machine and get confused while trying to play a song like it's a jukebox, hell, I have even broken a wiener in my day, but THIS? No. It was impossible. Or so I thought, because it certainly wasn't. I've even been careful with my online porn surfing...it still didn't save me.
My hard drive shit the bed.
No social networking. Well, very little, thanks to Xbox Live. This was surprisingly though, the least traumatic. No recipes. Could I take on my kitchen with my own bravado and expertise? Well, let's just say we didn't starve. Listening to music. No more Spotify. Time to crank up the radio...it was awful waiting for songs I like to hear to come on, a complete loss of control. YouTube? Guess I have to go without seeing videos of nip slips and silly people falling. All bills were paid over the phone, account inquiries were made over the phone...this was like being in the fucking dark ages. Of all of these things though, none were the worst. The absolute worst was not being able to check multiple weather sites. We don't do cable, just Netflix, so I don't have the weather channel. I seriously check the weather about 15 times a day. I had still never realized how addicted I was to it. The frigging weather. I could not handle the uncertainty of each day, not knowing what to expect. It was then that I realized how utterly dependent and demented the Internet has made me. AND, I was no longer smart! Not being able to "Google It", made me half a retard.

Going through all of this really put things in perspective. It really made me realize some things, gave me time to re-evaluate the situation. The conclusion I reached was...we need a second laptop. I'm sure some of you think there may have been some big epiphany about overusing the Internet...but come on now. Don't be silly. If I have to go two weeks without worldly access again, I will fucking kill someone.
 

Scary.

Last night I couldn't sleep and my mind wandered off to things that scare me...not exactly a big help.

I realized that one of them is quicksand. I can't stop thinking about it as a place for murderers to bring victims, and then use it as a body dump site. Anything could be in there...anything could get lost in there. It's terrifying. I feel like it just runs into the ground forever and ever, like, all the way to China. There's probably so many dead bodies popping up in China, while the American over here is snickering all the way back to their pervert van.

Guys in a bar that wink at me. It's like a dead give away that they have roofies in their pocket. I'll pass on shedding my few sexual inhibitions in front of you and your winking eye.

Excel spreadsheets, creepy baby dolls, spiders, public speaking, drowning, & drive-bys.

The movie Strangers. Absolute scariest movie ever made. Loud music in the dead of night, banging on doors and windows, creepy knocking girl in the middle of nowhere, stabbed in front of your lover. All at random. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuu. Terrifies me.

Another is storage units. Anything, absolutely anything, could be going on in them. People could live in there, hookers, drug meets, serial killers. I'm terrified of being kidnapped and held in a storage unit. Some lunatic going to work everyday, coming back, tormenting me, planning to wear my skin as a suit. People can have whole other lives in a frigging storage unit. It's insane.

Everything regarding my offspring makes me sick. If I can't move fast enough to pull him from harms way, if he grows up to be a mean man, if I'm doing it right.

Dying in any way that lands me a spot on 1,000 Ways To Die, pooping so hard my butthole pops out, getting buried alive & Gene Simmons tongue.

When ever I hear people say, "Do one thing a day that scares you", it freaks me out. Obviously I do not want to be kidnapped, murdered, or have my butthole fall out.