Had a 3 hour doctor appointment at the new practice today. And If this was any indication of the rest of this pregnancy...Jesus. The sonogram went just dandy. Then it was onto the pap smear and boob feeling. So Girth and I are sitting in the room waiting for 16 days on the doctor to come in. I am naked from the waist down, paper sheeted up. I have to fart. Badly. I can't hold it because I have a pap smear coming. So I jump off the table, inside the smallest room ever, and stick my ass in the closet sized space with a curtain for changing clothes. I fart. Obnoxiously, loudly, horrendously. Girth dies. I run back to the table, hop my fat ass back up there. Still waiting. So I am begging Girth to come over and see the view while I am stir-ups. He's not having it. That bitch is no fun. Again- I have to fart. I repeat the process, my poor husband is hanging his head in his hands. Shamefully. Next, here comes the doctor and his apparent entourage. In this small room is now Girth, the doctor, a nurse, a computer lady, and my vagina. Pap time. Almost impossible to not make creepy eye contact with the full house. All of a sudden, BOOM. Rectal exam. Hold the phone. I expected the doc to knock first, but he stormed in. Girth noted my surprise. Then, just like that- everyone is gone. I jump off the table and fling my paper dress off, Girth yelps. "Why is your pussy so hairy??" I'm like, what? He's like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I told him I was growing it out like a woman. Then he continued to belittle me on the height of my underwear and said we are going shopping for new ones. On the way home he fed me a jr. bacon, so all was forgiven.
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