Fluff...

I need to know why some ladies do not fart in front of their boyfriends/husbands. What do you do with all of your farts? Where do you put them? How do you hide them? What if you have to poop? I have a friend who has been with her husband for over 10 years...she has never, NEVER ripped ass in front of him. Is that even possible? She completely has her asshole on lock down. That is control like I have never imagined. They live in the same house and she freaks if she has to poop when he isn't at work. He has seen babies fly out of her vagina, but farting and pooping is too personal? Too what?? I don't understand. Now, I get it...not all girls are gross like me. However, I just don't get the reason it is so important that you simply cannot do it. I think the worry is worse than the actual thing, I just don't get what the worry is for. Once when I was about 16/17 with a brand new boyfriend, I was sitting on his lap laughing all prettily and flirty when my butthole erupted. Not only was it my first time farting in front of him, but I did it right on top of him. He didn't skip a beat though, and threw me right on the floor. He loved it. But mostly, I think he loved that I laughed about it. My husband now has seen me way beyond farting. Once when I was pregnant, naked from the waist down, bent over the table talking on the phone, he wanted to be all cute. Sneaked up behind me and put his face right in my butt...excellent timing since I farted right into his eyes. He rolled around on the floor for about 10 minutes screaming about how he had pink eye. Another time in my fabulous ninth month of pregancy, hornier than a two-peckered billy goat, we couldn't even have sex because I kept farting. Every movement I made, they just kept rolling out. Girth laughed, but I was so horny and mad that I laid there farting and crying. Now thats a sad site. 160 pounds of sad, farting baby house rolling around. So, I may be a little extreme, but still...how can a girl just NOT ever do it?! I assure you, your husband or boyfriend will still love you after he hears your noisy butthole. If mine loves me after shitting on the front seat of his car, yours will love you, should you let a little fluff in your pants.

You won't shit a T-bone, but it will be close to being that awesome...

10.

Things that bring me happiness :

1. The fact that I have not seen any Ugg boots around. Especially in warmer weather. especially with shorts or bikinis. I am still curious though, of the crack like substance in the fur that made everyone believe it looked hot to wear them year round. Or at all.

2. I am officialy a junior in college. One more year to go. I like asking my husband how it feels to bump uglies with a college hottie.

3. It makes me happy that so many people are purchasing trendy items like Kindles, Nook, and iPhones. This way everyone will have one and people can quit bragging that they bought one. No one cares how you read your book or text incessantly.

4. The sun being out more makes me happy. It leaves me less inclined to huddle down on a dreary cold day shoveling Skittles down my throat while wearing my crispy onesie.

5. Rough hands. Dirty gritty working man hands make me happy.

6. Farting. It makes me laugh and I like the faces Girth makes when I do it. Once when I was pregnant, I farted so loudly in the middle of the night that my cat squeaked and jumped out of bed. I was about 8 months pregnant, all huge and laughing so hard I was jiggling. Chris woke up panicked and asked me what was wrong. When he seen that I was laughing, not crying, he kicked me out of bed. Then I really cried. On the couch. Until he came back out to fetch me and allow me back in bed, 15 minutes later.

7. Outspoken people make me happy. You never have to wonder where you stand with them. Unless they are dishonest, then they are just ridiculous.

8. Gossip. Yes, It does make me happy. In a completely hypocritical way though. I don't spread it, but I love to hear it. When speaking to a friend about gossip I heard about her, she let me know some about me. Apparently I had sex in a certain  parking lot. Ummm...no. Besides, parking lot sex is sooooo high school. Oh, but when I do "gossip", that shit is fact based. I would never spread something fearful that it would come back to bite my balls. It always comes back around anyway.

9. Imperfections. Messy hair there, a snaggle tooth here...I love it.

10. Sometimes I get bloggers block. <-- Obviously sometimes I make words up too. So, it would make me happy if you would suggest things that you want me to write about or bitch about.

You may have noticed that nothing having to do with my child is on here...this has not escaped me. He simply trumps everything here, and it should go without mentioning that he makes me happier than anything else possibly could.

If people took the time everyday to think of things that make them happy, they would actually be happier...

Happy-nest...

Mothers Day, the day our kids get to celebrate us, our love, and our patience in not running for the hills. It is the time of year we get to be lazy and appreciated. Sometimes those feelings of appreciation get lost in the mail, but once a year, that date on the calendar reminds the men in our lives to get their shit together. Even in the car driving around yesterday, if Chris reached to change the station, I was like, "Nuh-uh. We are celebrating my vagina today - not yours." Well, yesterday I also received something that will probably hold me over all the way until next years Mothers day. Girth Brooks wrote me the cutest poem ever, from Riot of course...
~You're my mom and you're the best
You're so much cooler than the rest
You gave me food through your breast
In the morning you get me dressed
I'm super glad I wasn't an unwelcome guest
You make this a home and a happy nest
That is why your my mom and you're the best!~

It's going to be necessary to memorize this and recite in in my head from time to time. Like a little while ago when Riot dumped his potty chair with pee all over the bathroom and himself. And this morning when we were laying together and he head butted me in the eye. And the other day when he popped the screen out of the window and we caught him hanging out, holding onto the sill dangling by his hands, naked...

He was just a few months old here, looking at that face, I should have known what was coming...

Bitchfest #2- Gay.

How absolutely ridiculous that North Carolina made the decision to legally deny the right of marriage to gay people. Congratulations to your ignorant state on being the last of the southern states to ban a loving union between two people who have the same junk in their pants. Hope you sleep tight at night wrapped up tight in your narrow-minded oblivion. I hope you all fall into a homophobic coma.
Lets not forget the other perk of Amendment 1, the loss of health benefits for all domestic partners....and their children. What's the religious argument for this, Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve? Well, last I knew, Adam & Eve weren't interracial either, but those marriages aren't banned. Why the difference? Why are any two people in love and willing to make a lifetime commitment any different than any others? Why does that religious argument even matter? I have never even heard of Adam and Eves wedding. Aside even from that, with marriage being so sacred to the religious community fighting to keep gays from apparently destroying the sanctity of it, Adam had Lilith before he had Eve, so wheres the sanctity in that? Giving one lady the boot because she wasn't subservient, to take on another who was.
Bottom line-North Carolina, along with many other states of the south, suck balls. Their decisions are the reasons our nation lags in moving forward and making history. Perhaps they should thumb through history books and check out all of the revolutions, rights given, and amendments made in equality. How is it that the government can impose laws protecting gays from discrimination in the workplace, but then allow states to individually decide whether or not they have the same right to marriage as anyone else? Discriminatory acts against the gay community can be construed as hate crimes, but allowing them to marry is blasphemy? What a gross tangled web of church, state, human rights, and freedom.

The muffin ma'am...

First off, I should just say that this is going to be about the diet that I never actually do. And the working out that I never actually do either. If you don't care to hear about it for the millionth time then I am sorry. Instead of reading this, you could make me a sandwich. No chips, I don't like them. Two pickles though, thanks.
So, this past week I was all set, feeling motivated, which comes in spurts so I try and ride it out as long as possible. Day one, well I should say morning one, everything is fine, chugging water, no face stuffing. Later that night, a friend brings me over an obscene amount of snacks. Obviouslyyyy I have to eat them out of the house so that they aren't sitting around tempting me. Day two, again, hitting that water like champ. Won a free Domino's pizza at two in the afternoon. Celebrated my winnings by eating pizza rolls for lunch, ate my winnings on day number three for dinner. A friend left his burned copies of P90X here, lucky nuts me! Or so I thought...They won't play in the console.
Although I would like to be a smaller version of what I am now, I don't dislike what I have either. It's thick, but it's good. Sometimes I just feel like a meatball (which I love), when I would rather feel like the noodle. I just get so mean when I am hungry. Plus, I guess if I wanted some weight gone I would feel motivated. Oh, man, I wonder if this is how Gilbert Grapes mom felt in the beginning?! The other upside to shedding a few pounds is that Girth will stop making fun of me and saying I have a mooseknuckle. I'll admit, I might hold weight in some non-traditional spaces. It leaves me with somewhat of a chunky muffin. Are vaginas even suppose to put on weight? Meh, whatever. I don't even know how to exercise it away...I assume it will sneak out as it sneaked on.

Good luck eating your morning muffin without thinking about the muffin in my pants...

Terrible teens...

A teenager, that's what I will have one day. A friggen teenage boy, with asshole friends, raging testosterone, and who will constantly do dare-devil things that will make my heart stop beating. He will break hearts and have his broken. He's going to have sex and get embarrassing boners at school. I'm probably going to laugh at him when he gets a squeaky voice, and then laugh even more when he yells at me in that voice for laughing at him. Teenage boys are straight up pigs. We should probably start stockpiling food now to feed him when he is in high school. He is probably going to have weird friends hanging out all the time that will eat me out of house & home too. We are going to have to listen to them talk about hot girls, sports, and whatever else boys talk about. I think I will have "the weird kid" Right now he is already "that kid", running around with a derby hat and no pants. What if I hate his girlfriend? What if I walk in on him masturbating? What if I catch him having sex?! Something tells me that having a toddler is as easy as it gets. Terrible twos my balls, terrible teens is more like it. I'm sure he will be a great boy, after all, his development is in our hands, but lets face facts, some things are inevitable. One day I will have to ground him, send his friends home, tell him his girlfriend will absolutely never sleepover, get a midnight phone call to pick him up from a friends house because he has been drinking, or find a sticky/crispy clean-up sock in his room. As frightening all this is for me, I think what is most important is maintaining the realization that high school is insane. He will experiment. He will make some bad choices. He will get a trampy girlfriend. I will cry and so will he. He might not always admit that I am his best friend, but I know I always will be.

No matter how big he gets, he will just have to accept the fact that when I look at him, this is all that I can see. My small sized bubby.

Hey Jealousy

Have you even been out & about and seen a girl with a completely unattractive guy? Of course you have. He might be 500 lbs, missing teeth, hair slicked back, or just so slick you could fry an egg on it...Well, sometimes they are with a girl who looks as though lava will pour from eye sockets should you even look into his direction. This is obviously the definition of blinded by love, but she is also so consumed with jealousy that simply looking in the direction of the hot-mess hanging off her arm practically starts a war. I have felt this from many girls and just want to be like, hey...slow it down, sista. Not only do I have an extremely hot husband, but also, how do you think you look, acting like a jealous hag, letting your low self-esteem ride along on your sleeve? Don't get me wrong, we all have our own issues now and again, but to be so psychotic in your relationship...big surprise when you wonder why they don't last, and then you move onto how all guys are douchbags. Becoming a man hater is no surprise, when you're already a self-hater. Even if your boyfriend/husband is so beautiful to look at that it brings a tear to your eye, and with a bulge in his jeans that threatens to rip the teeth off his zipper, rest assured, not everyone wants him. How do you know these women don't have a salami waiting at home? Or a man that they find irresistible? It's because your jealousy keeps you from looking past yourself and your own bag of shit that everything else seems unfathomable. Grow up. Don't you realize how attractive self-confidence is? Or how much your boyfriend/husband would enjoy your company, or love having you hang out with he and his friends if you weren't infringing on stage 5 clinger status! I am certainly not perfect and somedays think I look hideous, but the one thing I never think is that someone else is better for my husband than I am.
 If you don't have the confidence to begin with, fake it. Eventually you will, and by the way you get treated because of it, you will gain it naturally.

My babe.

Since it is just me here with Riot during the day, potty training has been a task. You would think that a male child coming equipped with a wiener, how to utilize it would come natural. Rest assured-it doesn't happen like that. Getting him to use it was a challenge in itself, peeing outside, yet another challenge. Plus when he pees, it takes his pants completely off. When he poops, he gets naked. He will pee in his small potty, but not poop. He only poops on the toilet, where he jumps up and squats like a frog. Sometimes he pees up there like that too. Since this is my first rodeo, I am not sure if this behavior is normal or not. I do know though, that I have had some horrendous poops that made me get so hot & sweaty that I needed to get half naked and lay on the cold tile before I could continue. It's scary if this occurs when I am not at home...
Anyways, onto aiming. I would think the method of point & shoot would be fairly simple. Trying to teach him is insane. I tell him to use his thumb, kind of angle it , but then he uses his thumb and shoves it right in. His pee stream is obviously obliterated and his doodle disappears into his body. (Yes, we call it a doodle because we are far too immature to say penis). He usually just sticks his hips out and swings and sways his body back & forth to aim it...I'm not sure that this is practical.
So, since he drinks lots of water, he pees alot. This means his pants are off, alot. I guess he got his love for nakedness comes from his mommy. And his love for vacuuming. And doing both at the same time.

I only have to pay him in skittles.

Bitchfest #1- Rolled change vs. Minimum wage

So the other day a friend mentioned something she witnessed at the grocery store. She was behind a girl in line who was paying for diapers with rolled up change. The girl was in scrubs and had an id badge with her nurse status and name on it. Well, as she was paying with change, clearly embarrassed, because well, it isn't the coolest thing to do, the cashier was a total asshole about it. Making a big deal about what a LARGE amount of change it was (around $9.00) and how she has never seen so much, blahblahblah. Are you kidding me?! A cashier is belittling a nurse for paying in change, purchasing diapers no less, to take care of her child. What is wrong with people? Most cashiers don't even do a double take when a plastic foody card gets swiped for some lobsters, but paying in rolled change for a babies necessity is an issue...what a piece of shit. Not only that but, the irony is not lost on me that it's a cashier acting all high & mighty over this nurse! This cashier was more than likely a high school kid who had no idea what life beyond their bedroom at their parents house is like. It may not be so hard for many people, but that asshole cashier could at least possess the compassion to not be an uppity twaffle over someone else's hardships. At least their is nobility in doing what it takes to take care of your child, being humble and having a smidgen of embarrassment over paying in change. It's far better than those people who swipe their state issued grocery allowance all proud as a state funded peacock. That is a real issue, not some ignorant cashier mumbling about how she will fit alllll that change in her drawer. I WISH that I knew what her name was. I would have no problem typing it in right here and giving her self-righteous uppity self a taste of her own well deserved bullshit.