Looming.

Riot called me 'mom' yesterday. My heart broke in 7 million pieces. It also made me feel 10 years older. Right now, I am living in a bubble. School, sweatpants, staying home with my babe. Come Fall, I will be a job searching machine. Skirts, cardi's and fuck me pumps await me. I will have to brush my hair, probably even have to put hairspray in it. Meetings, office equipment and adults will surround me. It's easy not to feel grownup right now. Me and my baby, farting, dancing, laughing the days away. Then he has to go and call me 'mom', and snap me into the reality that awaits us. Due to my vanity and dramatics, I told him never to call me that again, it wasn't nice, and my name was 'mommy'. A harsh over-reaction? Sure. But him and I don't have these times together forever. Someday when we are worker and student, adult and rebellious teen, he might even refer to me by my actual name. It is then that I realize, no one else in this world has the capacity to break my heart like this kid does. I have always known that I love him like no other, but the vulnerability that comes with heartbreak is just as overwhelming. The closer graduation gets for me, the more neurotic I become. I need to side part his hair, pick his clothes, and pick his friends. It's me that needs to walk him onto his school bus, and whisk him off it at the end of his day. At some point though, it becomes clear. Being mommy and being an adult are one in the same. I need to stop separating them. The realization is, I can be both and we will survive. I'll be a fancy mommy, and he will be a well adjusted little boy and we will enjoy our farty pants dancing at the end of everyday.  He will still say, "mommy, you mell' that?" and after I sniff he will say, "I fahhhtedddd...", then laugh like a lunatic. He will grab ahold of me and say, "Mommy, I need to kiss your face". He will ask me to "pet his back" before bed, and  to play his puppy. And he's just always going to be my best friend.