The day after X-mass has nothing to do with X-mass.

I swear on the biggest wiener in the world, the devil himself is using my vagina to escape the depths of hell. I have not had a period in close to four months, and all of a sudden I gained six pounds in two days, and look as though I am in the second trimester of pregnancy. It is horrendous. I am bleeding like a stuffed pig and I swear to all the things holy, from my knees to my tits, it feels like someone beat me with a mother truckin' bat. Not only that, but I have a sweet fever blister on my lip from the sudden hormonal surge. Fat chance of explaining that off though, I look like a walking advertisement for a herpes commercial. Pretty sure I am knocking on deaths door. I am flying through cooter corks like they are candy and my ovaries are relentless. I want nothing more than to rip my uterus out, punch it to death, stuff it, and hang it on the wall in triumph. There is also a kink in my neck that makes me feel as though I need to crack it repeatedly, but hurts, but I keep doing it anyways. Not exactly the kind of "hurts so good" that I like, but whatever. Such a masochist. Also, burnt my hand on my straightener today. Batting a thousand. The fact that someone bought Girth a bottle of liquor for X-mass brightens my horizon though. As well as the fact that Christmas Day was enjoyable. The day after though, today, is fucking ridiculous. If my vagina does not stop spurting blood like a god damn horror movie, I really don't know what I will do. I am so angry about my vagina that I actually took our tree down today. That never happens until at least New Years. Never have I wished so hard for a penis of my own in my entire life. Right now I wouldn't even care if I had a small wiener instead of a big salami. I just don't want to be a messy menstruater anymore.