Sexpectations.

Watching so many movies and reading books with sexy sex scenes sometimes drives me nuts. Not necessarily the sex its self, but kind of. I think it gives unrealistic expectations. Obviously. First of all, sex up the wall scenes, like Road House! Now, that's one of the best ever...ugh...don't get me started on 80's Swayze...hot. But, in real life, it rarely goes down like that. Starting with the lift, if your getting ready to hump, make sure he can lift your big ass in the first place. Secondly, chances are good, it's not "gettin' in" so quick. By the time you are done fumbling, his strength in holding you up will likely be gone. You also watch them roll right over and go to sleep. No, this is not happening. No running, hopping, to the bathroom with crossed legs? Don't tell me you roll right over and sleep peacefully with that mess...I know Girth throws me right out of bed, screaming, "GET!". Plus, there are never any queefing vaginas. Never, and that's some bullshit. No ones dogs are staring at them, no ones cats are cuddling up to their heads on the pillows. These are things that normally happen. Ever seen Showgirls? That's one of my favorite movies, but the pool sex scene? Not so much. If she flailed around that hard on my salami, I would have been convinced she was seizing. Once upon a time, in my younger days,  I got frisky and sat on the back of the couch for some sexy time...crafty shit like that works in movies, right?...Well, I can tell you that in real life, the couch will tip over and you will almost break your neck in half. All night long sexcapades? Stop it. Your vagina would just shut the doors and close up shop. How come nobody gets any leg cramps? Girls that can have explosive orgasms in any position they are in, fuck you. Married couples doing a sixty-nine? Not without the reason being that someone lost a bet. Blow-jobs and box munching become novelties or acts of persuasion and bribery methods. In the first 6 months of dating, you were ripping at his zipper with your teeth, after marriage, you're worried about chipping a tooth. Just once in a hot and heavy movie scene, could there be a guy who slips and bumps the wrong hole? That would be realistic enough for me.

 This about covers it...

Quick picks...

Since it really is true, Universal will be putting 50 Shades into a film, I already have the movie played out in my head, with the people who in my mind, are the only people who could possibly do it.  Everyone knows that the movie barely rivals the books, ever, so I really need Christian to get me as hot and bothered as he did when reading about him. This is usually impossible, since people usually don't compare to fantasy, but this time, it was dead on. Hot, brooding, charming, disarming and panty dropping, this is the man for the job :

Meet David Giuntoli.

You're welcome for the introduction.

As for Anastasia, she needs to be gorgeous, though understated...innocent, with a dirty girl sex appeal. Pale, milky skin, big lips, big eyes, this bitch should be a shoe-in!

Hello there, Felicity Jones :

Kate Kavanaugh, the hotsy totsy. She obviously has to be amazing to look at. Sophisticated, intense, gorgeous. And it just so happens that I am in love with this girl, so she would be outstandingly perfect.

And now you know Saorise Ronan :

Now, I know that everyone has their own opinions on who should be cast, all that matters is that you realize my picks are the best. It's like I should be choosing the cast for this sucker. Then every woman in the whole wide world can thank me for it. I just don't get why people think Ryan Gosling would be good for the role. Now, don't get me wrong, I would drop my pants in his presence any day of the week, I just don't see any Christian in him. No dominance, no billionaire-esq, businessy appeal, though he would be more than welcome to dominate my ass in a cornfield someplace.

Oh, last but not least, Mrs. Robinson. There would be no one who could do this other than Naomi Watts. She just looks like a sexy cougar that would nail a lawn boy.

Now, even though the books are usually better, this one has the potential to make a better movie, I can't even believe that I am saying this, but, they can take out some screwing and focus on the story line more. I know, I know, I like all the dirty stuff too, but seriously, if it's a movie with too much P in the VaGee, then it's just porn. Again, not that I am opposed, but I am just interested in seeing it as a movie. Plus, I want to see David Giuntoli in ripped jeans with a boner, with handcuffs and with a riding crop, but that's just me.

Bitchfest #3 ~ Status.

Why is there even a, "it’s complicated", relationship status option on Facebook? I honestly don't understand what it even means. I understand that people have complicated relationships, but why is it something that needs its own category? Most relationships are complicated, if it's too easy, you're doing something wrong. People are complicated creatures, mashing them together is obviously complicated too. Here are a couple things that I believe it to mean:

1. You’re being dramatic. You are very much with your significant other, but mad at them. Yet you are a social networking junky who loves their notification area to blow up with nosy people full of sympathy. Your attention grabbing like an asshole. Maybe you’re even really changing it so your person knows how “serious” you can be. Way to really show them.  

2. You’re a whore. Male or female, of course. You have fought with your person and will change that relationship status up so that your ass is on the market. Technically, you are still in that relationship, but so pissed you’re going to look for some strange. You've probably changed that status while sitting on a bar stool.

3. You’re embarrassed of who your dating/doing. In the sense that you are completely dedicated to banging someone else’s person. You aren’t available, but you can’t speak of your relationship either, because it is already someone else’s. Yeah, that would be complicated. In which case, a "Lolita" status should be an option.

If you are in a complicated relationship, you’re still in a relationship, right? I mean, complicated, none the less, you’re unavailable. Unless it’s so complicated that you just run around screwing everyone out frustration. I think there should only be two options, available & unavailable. You're either dtf, or you aren't, you're looking, or you aren't.  

And that's all that it is...

Hair-do's.

Today I was pondering vagina's. Not really in a gross way, but more like haircuts. You see, girls will check out guys and be like, "Oh...I bet he's got a big one!", or, "Nahhh...it's probably not worth the work in pulling down the zipper". You're a liar if you say you have never done it, or haven't had a friend do it. Anyway, I wonder if guys do anything similar. Maybe they see a girl and are like, "Woah. I bet she totes around a giant seventies bush. Complete furburger". Or maybe they see a hotsy totsy flouncing her shit around a club or bar, and figure she's got her floors waxed. I wonder how far that judgement goes in approaching someone. I guess if I were single I wouldn't be sprinting toward the guy that I assumed had the smallest wiener in the room. For a guy though, it's different. They like different hairstyles. Some like a complete throw-back in the pants, bring on the sixties! Others are fond of a sleek landing strip. The worst though, I think, is when it is ALL gone. It's just too creepy and pre-adolescent looking.I'm not even sure that it is an appropriate hairstyle for anyone with an "outty". Don't even get me started on the descriptive process, or the "inny" vs. "outty" debate. There have been arguments and demonstrations held. Straight up anatomy classes have taken place in my bathroom. People got schooled. Don't get me wrong, I have to do it from time to time, all the shapes and festive things I attempt, sometimes I just need to shave the slate clean. Girth gets pissed when I do it, he is repulsed by it. Aside from that, it's not the best hair-do for an ugly vag. Not saying I have an ugly muff, but, you know what I mean. Though it did become "pudgy"...not sure if it is normal for that area to gain a smidgen of weight, but it happened. Which is why when I wear things like yoga pants, Girth is relentless. He insists that I have a, "Ken doll dick". Meaning no anatomy, just a bulgy region. So charming.

The most deceptive panties on earth...

Girthy.

Since I am feeling especially sappy again today, here's alittle of this. Maybe if I get it all out, I can stop crying over every cute kitten that I see on television. Truth be told though, there's just alot of it in me lately.

Once upon a time I met a man named Girth,

he knocked me up and I gave birth,

it was the cutest baby we had ever seen

it came out very yucky, very unclean,

one plus one is two,

two plus one is three,

we turned our love,

into a family <3

 Girth does this,

And I like it alot,

when he holds a guitar,

he looks pretty hot.

I've pooped on the seat of his car,
and in the road.
and behind some trees.
and still he asked,
"would you marry me".

He's my baby daddy,

my lovely lover,

even though my morning breath,

makes him run for cover.

He's my husband,

my very best friend,

& he's stuck with me,

until the end.

Robert Francis,

he's got my heart of hearts,
& all my farts,
my muffin for stuffin,
& my love for lovin'.

Nostalgia.

Woke up this morning feeling freakishly nostalgic. Decided to look through my Photobucket account...mistake. The mistake was thinking that pictures could satiate my emotions, when I am pretty sure it made them worse.

Picture number 1 ~ Pre-baby awkwardness. Plus Rod Stewart-esq hair...which I did love. That is baby Ava...I was not a baby person, and I am not sure who conned me into holding her.

Picture number 2 ~ The things I had to stop doing. Well, do less of. Actually, do less of, publicly.

Hot mess, anyone?

Picture number 3 ~ Hot mess prevention by straight up baby intervention.

Picture number 4 ~ The guy that put a baby in me. He seems questionable, I know. He turned out all right. I still like him, alittle.

Picture number 5 ~ Nothing like being in excruciating pain for 18 hours, waiting on 8 pounds, 13 ounces of someone to shoot out of your vagina like a cannon.

Picture number 6 ~ How does something look so perfect, the very next day, after exiting the place where pee comes out of? Unbelievable. Unbelievable that I had a baby, unbelievable that we made perfection, unbelievable that pearls aren't the only beauties that come from clams.

Now, that duck wearing babe is an almost three year old whirlwind who can make his own toast. He is adored and loved beyond all measures.

My most beautiful babydoll.

Roast Beef & Tossed Salad...

Mother truckin' bacon. Why is it so popular all of a sudden? It has always been a source of deliciousness, so why the sudden jump in popularity? Because we are a fat ass nation that's why. How many other countries do you think celebrate an International Bacon Day? Seriously. Now don't get me wrong, I love bacon. It makes many things wonderful; a chicken club sandwich is like Christmas in my mouth. However, I have boundaries. I'm no health freak, and I'm on the fluffy side, but, a bacon sundae? Really? Burger King has made calorie consumption a novelty. Pretty sure that's not a good thing in a nation plagued with obesity. Now there's even more fat in the ice-cream where someone could once eat their feelings guiltlessly. I thought it was piggish when I dipped french-fries in my frosty at Wendy’s. Now there is bourbon-bacon flavored ice-cream, chicken fried bacon and maple-bacon donuts. The good ol' fashioned BLT has been left in the dust. And let’s not forget the Bacon of the Month Club. Which actually sounds pretty cute, I think I will look into membership...
My one suggestion with all things bacon being marketed is, bacon flavored condoms. A generation full of future clogged arteries might as well practice safe sex in a fun, trendy type of way. Make sure they don't reproduce.
Still, the last thing I want to see is some Two Ton Tessie crying into their bacon sundae about how fat they are, or how the world is so mean to fat people. You’re asking for it by being a bacon worshipper. Someone should lasso their asses in a bacon blindfold and lead them over to a nice toss salad. Hell, I’d rather toss a salad than eat a bacon sundae. It would be so much cooler if eating roast beef became trendy...

She's a liar...