Nipples & bacon.

One thing I have always wanted to do, spend the weekend at a nudist colony. I love to be naked. All the time. Almost burnt my nipples off slaying bacon once. I moved into my first apartment at 22, and it was all down hill after that. As soon as I walked in after work, clothes were off, immediately. Dishes, vacuuming, cleaning in general, in the buff. People call before coming over to make sure I am clothed. So, a nudist resort would be pretty bad ass. The one hang up I have is seeing the backs of balls. Not even sure why. What if I am doing something fancy, like playing tennis with a guy, and he bends over to retrieve a ball...I don't even care about seeing his b-hole, but I will die if I see the back of his sack. Bike riding too. It's funny enough picturing a guy riding his bike, wiener all sitting on the seat, well, unless he's an unlucky one who has a turtle dick, but he hits a bump and it's all flip-flopping around. Oh my lanta, OR if someone were to trip and fall. That might be too much. Maybe I am not mature enough to handle so many swinging dicks and bouncing bewbs. I just WANT to. Swimming naked is the best thing, ever, but I still want to cookout, hangout, sit around a campfire all nekked and just relax. All this relaxation though, means alot of farting. That, I may not be able to handle in such large numbers. An entire community of naked assholes farting might be too much. Girth can't handle people farting when he eats cereal. Sometimes a ripper has peeped out of me and the look of disgust on his face makes me wish I had never been born. He can't even finish eating it, and doesn't help that I am usually sprawled out naked at night when this happens. He also does not like to be naked. I would have to take the naked trip all alone. Poor little miss lonely tits-a-swinging all the way to the naked place.

 

I will have done this before I die.

 

Number One.

Last night I thought about the first time I had sex. I've heard horror stories from a lot of people about their first time, that they hated it, but mine was actually just dandy. Now, I don't remember the actual date, but it was the night before my first day of ninth grade. I know, I know...a mere 14 years old. BUT, he had been my boyfriend the since 8th grade- where I snagged him at a school dance. Made him dance with me, asked him to be my boyfriend after a couple songs...quite the saucy 13 year old I had been. Anyhow, entering high school was obviously a huge deal...and the fact that I lost the ol' V-card the night before, makes me think it was his way of staking claim. It was about 10 minutes of hair petting and him asking if I was ok, and tons of handholding. All of this makes him sound like some weird 42 year old man, but he was the same age as me. Even now, holding hands is one of my favorite things to do, strange now that I think about it. Anyways, the lair of love was the bottom half of a set of bunk beds, complete with typical boy-ish sheets. I used to know the characters, but perhaps I blocked it from memory...being that I got blood on them. Then I walked home, bow-legged, because that's what I thought I was suppose to do. First sign of being too young to fornicate right there. And too much HBO. So there it was, hymen smashed out like the kool-aid man through a wall, a complete life altering moment, and I never got off my back. Number One stayed mine all the way till grade 10, and is still the only boy who ever broke my heart and my hymen.
I think I'm thankful for a decent first time, one that neither turned me off from sex, or made me to be such a fiend that I nailed everyone in site. At 32, the number of wieners in my repertoire remains in the single digits, a healthy number 9 to be exact. That's not to say though, that each one was a shining moment...jesus.

BOOM!

Handsy pants.

I came across this forum online, a real mans man kind of chat party happening. Well, this one guy, of supreme intelligence, obviously, claims that the smallness of a woman's hands, indicates  a tightness in the vagina. Oh, and a shorter vagina too. Not all the duders were on board with this theory, though, thankfully. However, this was also thrown into the mix,
"Having a kid will ruin any tight pussy", (PEnoob, 2011).

Woah, woah, back it up, you walking science experiment gone wrong. I, for one- beg to differ. The only logical reason birthing a child would ruin a muff, is if that baby drove out of there in a bus. Pretty unlikely, so that ol'clam should snap back into shape. With kegals of course. THEN, in another turn of events, it was determined that hand size and baby squeezing out actually are NOT the causes of a tight/untight vagina, but it's actually about athletics. Apparently, track runners and soccer players have the tightest snootches. Except for some athletes though, since RockstarParkingdude had this to say,
"...forget about softballs girls, they're all lesbians"

Yeah. So there's that. So, don't get excited softball players, your obviously running floppy muffs around the bases. I, on the other hand, have done soccer and track...so maybe they're onto something...hmmm...I'm telling you, seriously though, this forum was brimming with intelligence and insight. One man needs only to size a gal up for a few seconds before determining her vag's width AND depth.
I know lots of females who think like this too, shit, I have even done it myself. Thick neck, hands, wrists, whatever, the association is there. I have a friend or two that insists all nerds are biggest in the pants. I don't even know what to say about that. It's never been confirmed in my pants, there are zero nerds in my repertoire.

http://www.pegym.com/forums/womans-perspective/23800-how-spot-women-smaller-vajas.html

Fat cookie.

It's official. I am so close to the weight I was before getting impregnated. Only about three hungry days, 2 laxatives, and 1 water pill away. Then, BOOM, I am there. A 72 hour stomach bug would probably have the same effects, but I wouldn't get so lucky. Three years of pregnancy weight has run its course. Yesterday, I put on a pair of jeans, and you know that feeling you get when they fit just right? Well, fuck that feeling, these bitches were straight up TOO BIG! Obviously I wore them anyways, because they had the power to make me feel so skinny. Which obviously means more naked night time strutting through the house, telling my husband how amazing I am, dancing around, pushing my nakedness all over him. He is too busy swatting me away to appreciate it though. It might have something to do with dragging my vag across his arm while he is typing. Which by the way, also seems to have lost a pound or two. No more Ken doll dick-like bulge in my yoga pants.
This also leads me to idiot friends who use the term, "fat clothes". The girl who loses some weight and starts shopping, so she starts giving away her old clothes. This is what that silly fuck sounds like, 
"HEY, I"M GETTING RID OF ALL MY FAT CLOTHES... DO YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH THEM??" 
Ummm...excuse me? I had this happen once, years ago. I was a 5/6 at the time. No fucking thanks you idiot. Not only was I not fat, I never had been, and you suddenly getting thinner did not make me fatter in the first place. Excuse me while I choose not to dive into all your old, "fat jeans", and instead would like to strangle you with them, you insensitive, inconsiderate slob. Too bad their dick intake increased while their calorie intake decreased.
No worries here though, I'm keeping all of my "fat clothes". My weight goes up & down wayyyy too much. There's everything from a 4 to a 10 in my closet, and that's the way it's going to stay. Fat muffs need nice jeans too.

This image is not even relevant to my blog. But I did find it while searching for one, and just couldn't help myself. You can own one of these fellas, for just under $150.00. Why, though, I have no idea.

http://www.batkatcreations.com/MaleDolls.html

 

12 Inches.

As I was sitting outside the other day, there was a tape measure beside me. So, I'm screwing around with it and stretch it out to twelve inches. And, woah, woah, hold the phone. Immediately I think about wieners. A twelve inch salami. Is that really necessary?? It would be a monster, completely intimidating...no way. Maybe it was just the tape measure, but that thing would seem impossible to hold back in a pair of jeans. Like they would need an industrial strength zipper or something. I don't know if it is just the tape measure that makes it look so much more intense, but surely, a guy with foot long wang could tickle his own nipple with his boner. I held the tape measure down my leg, then at my muffin, bent it to see where the springy boner would hit me. It seemed unnatural. Not me having a dick being unnatural, but the size of it. This also left me completely perplexed as to why girls run to a million inch wiener. How is that even the important part? It's most definetly the circumference on that sucker. A guy could have 10, 11, 12 inches in his pants, but if it has got the width of uncooked pasta, no dice. No one wants that, I wouldn't think so anyways. It's like your inviting damage to your rib cage. Like you're just asking someone to knock your ovaries around like pool balls. If I ever had a 12 incher sprung on me, I'd probably use the balls as a springboard and pole vault right on out of the room on that son of a bitch.

This the only type of 12 inches that is getting near my lips.