Monday, July 30, 2012

Meat & Potaters.

Well, this Mondays blog was the idea of a huge boobed lass that I ran into the other night. Since I am not a name dropper of all the celebutants around me, we will just call her, E. Snatchel. Being the gem that she is, she wondered what I would do with a penis for one day. For starters, I would have smacked E. Snatchel in the eye with it, because the question SHOULD have been, what wouldn't I do with that son of a bitch...woohooo!!!
Holy balls, a wiener for a day...well, I hope it would be big, because I would have big plans for it! Since I am a female, endowed on the top, if I got a wiener, I will just assume that, that as well would be jumbo sized. So, upon opening my eyes on my first morning of swinging anatomy, I would cry at the sight of my morning boner. I'd probably pull it back and smack it off my belly button a couple times. And then I would immediately beat the bologna up. Feeling refreshed for the day ahead of me, and as much as I would probably just want to carry it around in my hand like a prize all day, I would pick out the perfect outfit to package my package in. My smile and ding-a-ling would be in straight up competition all day long, so big. Throughout the day I would show it to all my friends, and convince one of them to let me mushroom stamp them. I would also sneak in a  tea-bag...because sometimes it's just nice to not be on the receiving end of things. Sneaking off to paddle the pickle every chance I got would suffice until I found someone to hump. This might be a problem though. See, I'm going to want to do all the filthy things with that thing too, but finding a willing participant may not be so easy. It's probably ok though, I probably won't be able to keep my hands off it myself. It's going to feel so badass taking pisses too. I'm going to piss everywhere. I might piss right on someone, and I would pecker check at the urinals...you know guys do that shit all the time. I'm going to twist it and bend it, become best friends with it. I would write my name in the snow, hang a towel off my boner, and make my pee-hole talk. No, I didn't forget I would get a nutsack. Those guys would get shifted from leg to leg just for the hell of it, and I would roll them around like stress balls constantly. I'd probably pull the skin of my balls up over my wiener so it looked like a 3-pak. And at the end of the day, when our fun is through, before he goes, I will let someone kick me in the dick & balls. I know, I know. It's just, if I am going to get the experience, I gotta take the lows with the highs. Then he will be gone. I won't say bye though, I will say see you later.

See you later, meat and potaters.
XOXO

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I believe in...

Kissing. Slow, hard, lip biting and with urgency.

Saying I love you, no matter the consequence.

Honesty is NOT always the best policy.

Secrets. Keep some of your own memory pool to swim in, alone.

The satisfactory purr of a kitty is heaven in your ear.

Good sex can set a bad week straight.

Passion in everything.

Making out.

The power of homemade soup.

Abortion.

Love at first sight.

Live music shouldn't be free...buy merch. Show support.

Legalization of marijuana. We have bigger worries then laid back, potato chip munching people.

Singing loudly in the car, and that your voice sounds the exact same as the artists. Or better.

Letting go, in every way.

Reincarnation.

Past lives.

Imperfections.

Nakedness.

Excess ruins people.

The best decades to live in did not include cell phones. Or the internet.

People were smarter before the internet.

People pleasers lack accountability.

The feeling of "home" can be found in an embrace.

I believe that you have to believe in something...






























Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bitchfest #4 ~ Feeding time.

In most jobs, feedback is the key to success. Giving it constructively, and receiving it humbly.
However, the job of being a mother is not one of them. Try telling a mother how she SHOULD be doing something, or how her child SHOULD be acting. You set yourself up to bring on a wrath like no other. Women know this, and still they attack the parenting choices of others. The biggest argument I see on a  regular basis is breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is of course, the healthiest option. BUT, it is also only as healthy as the mother manages it to be. Even still, breastfeeding your children does not come with the requirement of self-righteousness. Sure, you want to educate people on the choice they are making, it can be all the difference for some mothers, but others are content with how they are raising their offspring. So, not only do some mothers need to be educated on the feeding choice of their babies, but other mothers obviously need to be educated on boundary issues. And, I don't mean with passive aggressive bullshit either. "Oh, yeah. You're still a great mother if you don't breastfeed...I JUST LIKE TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR MY BABY". Ummmm...yeah. We ALL like to do what is best, and we try to do what we think is best. What we don't need are judgemental mothers trotting around like egotistical harpies. Being a mother is hard enough. Sleepless nights, stressful days, teaching, educating, playing, feeding, training, it doesn't end. All of these things with constant worry and paranoia about each milestone and achievement from birth until the end of time for our kids. Instead of worrying about mothers who feed their babies formula, rather than straight out the nip, worry about the babies who get nothing to eat, or little to no nourishment at all. Focus some of your attention on a cause like that. Whatever you do though, keep in mind that just because you are a mother who rings the dinner bell under her blouse, doesn't mean you have to slip into your judgey pants while doing it.
How about personal? respect? support?

Monday, July 23, 2012

Poo-poo-cachoo.

Almost didn't make my morning poop this morning. I mean, I had to go and all, was actually straight up prairie dogging it, but then something weird happened. Since my kid hovers to take a crap by squatting like a frog, I often have to clean footprints off the toilet. Well, in my dash to shit, I had to wipe it off, but bending over to do so, my poop actually climbed back into my body. I don't even know what happened. It's like it just said "fuck this!", and slithered back up into no mans land. Creepy shit. It was better than the alternative, I guess. Sometimes my morning poo's can be very taxing. My belly will crumble into some hellacious contraction and I will sweat for 15 minutes before some piece of rabbit shit drops out of my butt hole. Talk about hard work with no reward. How is it possible that our bodies allow us to go through so much agony, only to leave a trail of 4-5 little fudge nuggets? Especially after sweating so bad, and becoming so weak from the process. You really feel so vulnerable laying on the cold tile of your bathroom floor with your pants around your ankles. It's like I am being victimized by own treacherous asshole. So unfair. Pretty sure Riot can sense this vulnerability also, because he capitalizes on this time by doing absolutely ridiculous things. He will walk right to the bathroom, but keep just out of my reach, with a pen in his hand. I will hear him drag a stool to climb onto the counter and open snacks. It's like him and my b-hole are teaming against me in some strange conspiracy. Maybe if I laid off the coffee, my body would be more forgiving. As much as it drives me crazy, I can't. Just can't. Besides, the only time it really pisses me off is when I have just gotten out of the shower. There is nothing worse than dropping a keester kake out of a clean & shiny bonus hole. It completely negates all the work you have just done in the shower. Plus it feels gross, especially if you are jumping out and still wet. Ugh. Like having to poop while you are swimming. Deeeeee-scusting. Nothing worse than a dirty squirrel hole.
Really? Really??! How does one miss by this much?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Slutty McSlutterson

Sometimes I wonder what it is exactly that makes a slut, a slut. Possible reasons being :

1. The way she dresses.
This to me, though, is silly. She might just be a regular run of the mill stiffy tease with her titty showing tee's and hamburger flouncing mini skirts.


2. The way she acts.
Also, open to judgement. Maybe she is just flirtatious. A touchy feely nature should not mean her muffin shop is open for business.

3. The way she talks.
Lots of girls have terrible trash mouths. I for one, do myself. Every time I see Kid Rock, I remind my husband that he is on my "To Do" list. The way a person talks means nothing. It's not the words coming out, it's the wieners going in that matter.

4. The amount of shaft she has actually consumed.
Alright, this is an issue. Plus, you have to adjust the time span between partners, length of time sexual activiy has been happening, have other peoples significant others been the ones getting nailed? Usually, no one has the facts to even make this assessment,because they base it off rumors.

5. Lots of guy friends.
Really? Yes. People are this ridiculous. Just because a girl accepts multiple males for friends, does not mean she accepted them by auditioning their poles.

The double standard argument kills me alittle bit too. You know, a guy can do everyone and he isn't a pig, but if a girl does, then she is, blah blah blah....Well, yeah. Honestly, they are both pigs. Males and females have different perceptions, that's all. People in general have different perceptions and opinions, doesn't mean that slaying hundreds of dicks leaves you unscathed. Your a pig. Own it, don't deny it. Just don't expect everyone to be alright with it. All you need to do is be alright with yourself. Don't get me wrong, we have all bedded someone, that when we look back, makes you want to tear off your anatomy for betraying you. If you feel embarrassed by the number of people you banged though, then you might be onto something. It may not be any ones business, but you shouldn't be ashamed. Well, if you don't even know a specific number for the times you have opened your legs, or have a hard time recalling the names of those lucky pokers, then you probably should be. Besides, I'd rather have a friend declare herself a cock-a-saures rex, rather than a romantic and watch her fall in love every second Tuesday of each month.





Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sexpectations.

Watching so many movies and reading books with sexy sex scenes sometimes drives me nuts. Not necessarily the sex its self, but kind of. I think it gives unrealistic expectations. Obviously. First of all, sex up the wall scenes, like Road House! Now, that's one of the best ever...ugh...don't get me started on 80's Swayze...hot. But, in real life, it rarely goes down like that. Starting with the lift, if your getting ready to hump, make sure he can lift your big ass in the first place. Secondly, chances are good, it's not "gettin' in" so quick. By the time you are done fumbling, his strength in holding you up will likely be gone. You also watch them roll right over and go to sleep. No, this is not happening. No running, hopping, to the bathroom with crossed legs? Don't tell me you roll right over and sleep peacefully with that mess...I know Girth throws me right out of bed, screaming, "GET!". Plus, there are never any queefing vaginas. Never, and that's some bullshit. No ones dogs are staring at them, no ones cats are cuddling up to their heads on the pillows. These are things that normally happen. Ever seen Showgirls? That's one of my favorite movies, but the pool sex scene? Not so much. If she flailed around that hard on my salami, I would have been convinced she was seizing. Once upon a time, in my younger days,  I got frisky and sat on the back of the couch for some sexy time...crafty shit like that works in movies, right?...Well, I can tell you that in real life, the couch will tip over and you will almost break your neck in half. All night long sexcapades? Stop it. Your vagina would just shut the doors and close up shop. How come nobody gets any leg cramps? Girls that can have explosive orgasms in any position they are in, fuck you. Married couples doing a sixty-nine? Not without the reason being that someone lost a bet. Blow-jobs and box munching become novelties or acts of persuasion and bribery methods. In the first 6 months of dating, you were ripping at his zipper with your teeth, after marriage, you're worried about chipping a tooth. Just once in a hot and heavy movie scene, could there be a guy who slips and bumps the wrong hole? That would be realistic enough for me.
 This about covers it...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Quick picks...

Since it really is true, Universal will be putting 50 Shades into a film, I already have the movie played out in my head, with the people who in my mind, are the only people who could possibly do it.  Everyone knows that the movie barely rivals the books, ever, so I really need Christian to get me as hot and bothered as he did when reading about him. This is usually impossible, since people usually don't compare to fantasy, but this time, it was dead on. Hot, brooding, charming, disarming and panty dropping, this is the man for the job :
Meet David Giuntoli.



You're welcome for the introduction.





As for Anastasia, she needs to be gorgeous, though understated...innocent, with a dirty girl sex appeal. Pale, milky skin, big lips, big eyes, this bitch should be a shoe-in!
Hello there, Felicity Jones :




Kate Kavanaugh, the hotsy totsy. She obviously has to be amazing to look at. Sophisticated, intense, gorgeous. And it just so happens that I am in love with this girl, so she would be outstandingly perfect.
And now you know Saorise Ronan :




Now, I know that everyone has their own opinions on who should be cast, all that matters is that you realize my picks are the best. It's like I should be choosing the cast for this sucker. Then every woman in the whole wide world can thank me for it. I just don't get why people think Ryan Gosling would be good for the role. Now, don't get me wrong, I would drop my pants in his presence any day of the week, I just don't see any Christian in him. No dominance, no billionaire-esq, businessy appeal, though he would be more than welcome to dominate my ass in a cornfield someplace.

Oh, last but not least, Mrs. Robinson. There would be no one who could do this other than Naomi Watts. She just looks like a sexy cougar that would nail a lawn boy.

Now, even though the books are usually better, this one has the potential to make a better movie, I can't even believe that I am saying this, but, they can take out some screwing and focus on the story line more. I know, I know, I like all the dirty stuff too, but seriously, if it's a movie with too much P in the VaGee, then it's just porn. Again, not that I am opposed, but I am just interested in seeing it as a movie. Plus, I want to see David Giuntoli in ripped jeans with a boner, with handcuffs and with a riding crop, but that's just me.




Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Bitchfest #3 ~ Status.

Why is there even a, "it’s complicated", relationship status option on Facebook? I honestly don't understand what it even means. I understand that people have complicated relationships, but why is it something that needs its own category? Most relationships are complicated, if it's too easy, you're doing something wrong. People are complicated creatures, mashing them together is obviously complicated too. Here are a couple things that I believe it to mean:

1. You’re being dramatic. You are very much with your significant other, but mad at them. Yet you are a social networking junky who loves their notification area to blow up with nosy people full of sympathy. Your attention grabbing like an asshole. Maybe you’re even really changing it so your person knows how “serious” you can be. Way to really show them.  

2. You’re a whore. Male or female, of course. You have fought with your person and will change that relationship status up so that your ass is on the market. Technically, you are still in that relationship, but so pissed you’re going to look for some strange. You've probably changed that status while sitting on a bar stool.

3. You’re embarrassed of who your dating/doing. In the sense that you are completely dedicated to banging someone else’s person. You aren’t available, but you can’t speak of your relationship either, because it is already someone else’s. Yeah, that would be complicated. In which case, a "Lolita" status should be an option.

If you are in a complicated relationship, you’re still in a relationship, right? I mean, complicated, none the less, you’re unavailable. Unless it’s so complicated that you just run around screwing everyone out frustration. I think there should only be two options, available & unavailable. You're either dtf, or you aren't, you're looking, or you aren't.  
And that's all that it is...



Monday, July 9, 2012

Hair-do's.

Today I was pondering vagina's. Not really in a gross way, but more like haircuts. You see, girls will check out guys and be like, "Oh...I bet he's got a big one!", or, "Nahhh...it's probably not worth the work in pulling down the zipper". You're a liar if you say you have never done it, or haven't had a friend do it. Anyway, I wonder if guys do anything similar. Maybe they see a girl and are like, "Woah. I bet she totes around a giant seventies bush. Complete furburger". Or maybe they see a hotsy totsy flouncing her shit around a club or bar, and figure she's got her floors waxed. I wonder how far that judgement goes in approaching someone. I guess if I were single I wouldn't be sprinting toward the guy that I assumed had the smallest wiener in the room. For a guy though, it's different. They like different hairstyles. Some like a complete throw-back in the pants, bring on the sixties! Others are fond of a sleek landing strip. The worst though, I think, is when it is ALL gone. It's just too creepy and pre-adolescent looking.I'm not even sure that it is an appropriate hairstyle for anyone with an "outty". Don't even get me started on the descriptive process, or the "inny" vs. "outty" debate. There have been arguments and demonstrations held. Straight up anatomy classes have taken place in my bathroom. People got schooled. Don't get me wrong, I have to do it from time to time, all the shapes and festive things I attempt, sometimes I just need to shave the slate clean. Girth gets pissed when I do it, he is repulsed by it. Aside from that, it's not the best hair-do for an ugly vag. Not saying I have an ugly muff, but, you know what I mean. Though it did become "pudgy"...not sure if it is normal for that area to gain a smidgen of weight, but it happened. Which is why when I wear things like yoga pants, Girth is relentless. He insists that I have a, "Ken doll dick". Meaning no anatomy, just a bulgy region. So charming.
The most deceptive panties on earth...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Girthy.


Since I am feeling especially sappy again today, here's alittle of this. Maybe if I get it all out, I can stop crying over every cute kitten that I see on television. Truth be told though, there's just alot of it in me lately.


Once upon a time I met a man named Girth,
he knocked me up and I gave birth,
it was the cutest baby we had ever seen
it came out very yucky, very unclean,
one plus one is two,
two plus one is three,
we turned our love,
into a family <3


 Girth does this,
And I like it alot,
when he holds a guitar,
he looks pretty hot.


I've pooped on the seat of his car,
and in the road.
and behind some trees.
and still he asked,
"would you marry me".



He's my baby daddy,
my lovely lover,
even though my morning breath,
makes him run for cover.
He's my husband,
my very best friend,
& he's stuck with me,
until the end.


Robert Francis,
he's got my heart of hearts,
& all my farts,
my muffin for stuffin,
& my love for lovin'.



Nostalgia.

Woke up this morning feeling freakishly nostalgic. Decided to look through my Photobucket account...mistake. The mistake was thinking that pictures could satiate my emotions, when I am pretty sure it made them worse.

Picture number 1 ~ Pre-baby awkwardness. Plus Rod Stewart-esq hair...which I did love. That is baby Ava...I was not a baby person, and I am not sure who conned me into holding her.



Picture number 2 ~ The things I had to stop doing. Well, do less of. Actually, do less of, publicly.
Hot mess, anyone?



Picture number 3 ~ Hot mess prevention by straight up baby intervention.



Picture number 4 ~ The guy that put a baby in me. He seems questionable, I know. He turned out all right. I still like him, alittle.


Picture number 5 ~ Nothing like being in excruciating pain for 18 hours, waiting on 8 pounds, 13 ounces of someone to shoot out of your vagina like a cannon.


Picture number 6 ~ How does something look so perfect, the very next day, after exiting the place where pee comes out of? Unbelievable. Unbelievable that I had a baby, unbelievable that we made perfection, unbelievable that pearls aren't the only beauties that come from clams.


Now, that duck wearing babe is an almost three year old whirlwind who can make his own toast. He is adored and loved beyond all measures.
My most beautiful babydoll.




Monday, July 2, 2012

Roast Beef & Tossed Salad...


Mother truckin' bacon. Why is it so popular all of a sudden? It has always been a source of deliciousness, so why the sudden jump in popularity? Because we are a fat ass nation that's why. How many other countries do you think celebrate an International Bacon Day? Seriously. Now don't get me wrong, I love bacon. It makes many things wonderful; a chicken club sandwich is like Christmas in my mouth. However, I have boundaries. I'm no health freak, and I'm on the fluffy side, but, a bacon sundae? Really? Burger King has made calorie consumption a novelty. Pretty sure that's not a good thing in a nation plagued with obesity. Now there's even more fat in the ice-cream where someone could once eat their feelings guiltlessly. I thought it was piggish when I dipped french-fries in my frosty at Wendy’s. Now there is bourbon-bacon flavored ice-cream, chicken fried bacon and maple-bacon donuts. The good ol' fashioned BLT has been left in the dust. And let’s not forget the Bacon of the Month Club. Which actually sounds pretty cute, I think I will look into membership...
My one suggestion with all things bacon being marketed is, bacon flavored condoms. A generation full of future clogged arteries might as well practice safe sex in a fun, trendy type of way. Make sure they don't reproduce.

Still, the last thing I want to see is some Two Ton Tessie crying into their bacon sundae about how fat they are, or how the world is so mean to fat people. You’re asking for it by being a bacon worshipper. Someone should lasso their asses in a bacon blindfold and lead them over to a nice toss salad. Hell, I’d rather toss a salad than eat a bacon sundae. It would be so much cooler if eating roast beef became trendy...
She's a liar...